Photo by Randy Tarampi on Unsplash
It feels like a silly question to ask these days. There’s societal breakdown happening on all levels; systemic cracks in our healthcare, economic and political systems deepening while on the personal level more of us are struggling physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Everyone can feel it.
And yet, we continue to check in with ourselves and one another, posing the question when we greet each other. How are you? And then both parties sheepishly look at each other, not quite sure how to respond. Do we have the words to accurately describe the feelings that churn through our beings throughout these difficult and chaotic days we are living through?
I have always thought of myself as a person who is in touch with her emotions. I thought I hated this question, because it didn’t seem to mean anything; or more accurately, it’s meaning felt more determined by the person inquiring and the social context than the inquiry itself.
But the truth was, I became nervous and confused when people asked me how I was doing, because I didn’t really know the answer. I realized this when I noticed that I resisted the question even more if a true answer was required. For example, if you are in a therapist’s office or with a close friend, they want to know the truth. The more genuine the question seemed, the more flustered and nervous I became. I was at a loss for words, and typically quickly would try to get the conversation back to them.
This was because in my mind, the most important and relevant question was not how am I doing, but ‘how do you think I am doing?
What that meant was, it didn’t really matter if I was in a hospital bed or in the midst of a depressive episode. I always had a smile plastered to my face, and I was always okay. I didn’t really know how I was feeling, and I was rewarded for complying to societal standards of me. Throughout most of my life, that was the definition of success. The problem was, I couldn’t keep it up and I felt like nobody really knew me, so I was completely isolated and terrified behind that big smile plastered on my face.
The truth was, I really was not okay. But I was so out of touch with my emotional state that I continued to go on with my life as normal - alternating between periods of busy-ness during the day with periods of distraction to numb me from my uncomfortable internal state.
I didn’t understand why life felt unbearable, because people around me told me I was okay, and I wanted to believe them. It seemed to me that society placed in utmost importance our physical appearance and level of productivity and status. I was on my way to success in both areas. How I was doing to others seemed well. That was the only question I really understood how to ask.
Meanwhile, my body was telling me something with increasing urgency: we are not okay! I did not listen. I couldn’t listen, because my body was interfering with my goals and it had to be silenced. I kept smiling and carried on. Deep down I knew I could not carry on like this, but I held on to this illusion that the doctors would fix me up again, like they always had before. That my body was against me in every way: it didn’t look the way I wanted it to, and it didn’t perform the way I wanted it to. It was hurting, and it didn’t stop; I was increasingly turning against my very being and resented myself deeply. Performance was living at that time, and my body would not perform the way my mind commanded. I was at a standstill, slowly drowning in the quicksand of my life. Still smiling.
The reasons that I did not know a) how I was actually feeling and b) how to address my basic needs are not due to a personal failing of mine. I was simply following the directions of what society told me to do, and had never learned differently: that how I truly felt mattered.
Our current systems are set up to prepare us to connect with ourselves and our emotional landscape on the most basic level. In a school setting, how we are doing is determined by our behaviour and grades. In a healthcare setting, how we are doing is determined by tests that doctors perform. How we feel, in the meantime, is seem as much less relevant. This is a true tragedy. In an age of social media where image is everything, this situation seems to be increasingly worsening. And so are mental health and chronic illness rates.
After many years and long journey, I have learned that there is no expert or external marker that can determine for me how I am doing and how to meet my needs. I practice cultivating a compassionate sense of how I am truly doing through meditation, yoga practice and other somatic tools of self-inquiry. Slowly, this question is becoming more important to me than how you believe I am doing. This felt immensely selfish at first, but I have come to understand that it is when each of us is primarily responsible for meeting our own needs that we can effectively care for others and contribute to society in a meaningful way.
It seems to me that more people than ever are facing the dilemma that they do not know how they are doing when the role is removed and the mask comes off. Facing this reality head-on is immensely difficult, but ultimately incredibly fulfilling and healing.
It begins simply, by sitting still, turning off the distractions, and asking yourself: “how am I doing?” and then allowing whatever comes up, no matter how uncomfortable. Place your hands over your heart through this process and remember that you are capable of sitting with any emotion. That you deserve to be heard by the most important person in your life - you. If you are looking for personal guidance on this journey, please reach out! We can discover together how you are doing. No, really.